Sooo, here's the deal....

Ok, so I have some bad news. I know most of you who read my blog being Mom, Dad, Kim, and Crystal know but I still needed to tell Val, Sara, KC, and Jami so I will just post it on my blog rather then call you all and tell you... which would probably be the better thing to do...but I'm lazy and sometimes writing is therapeutic.

As you all know Mark and I are trying to get pregnant. Last month I went and got an all clear from the OB saying I was healthy and ready to start trying. She did a pelvic, a pap, some blood work, updated my shots, and even gave me an internal ultrasound with a sonohysterogram to make sure I was healthy and ready to conceive. Which I was.

So Mark and I got to work... on March 8 I conceived. I took 2 pregnancy tests about 2 weeks later that both came back positive. I made an appt. with my OB and she did another pelvic and a urine test and confirmed that I was pregnant. However, the next day I got a call that I had to go back for more blood work because my HCG level (which is the hormone you produce when you are pregnant) was extremely low. It was at like 121 when it was suppose to be in the thousands at this point in the pregnancy. I think I was around 4 weeks when this all started. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with pregnancy timelines...your pregnancy starts from the first day of your last menstrual cycle not your date of conception.) So for the next week and a half I went back to the Doctors office every 2 or 3 days for another blood test. I had 5 total. The worst part about this was I apparently have the smallest veins in the world and it would take 2 nurses and 3 stabs with digging every time before they successfully would draw blood...and I'm not exaggerating! However, my HCG level was continuing to rise and all was looking well so I was happy.

The Doctor then scheduled an ultrasound for Thursday April 5th. At that point I was one day shy of 6 weeks and my HCG level was 2900 so there should be no problem seeing the baby. I was excited that I was finally going to see the baby and know for sure all was well so I could stop worrying! That wasn't what happened.

The ultrasound tech could night find a baby or a egg/yolk sac. She told me that this can be normal at 6 weeks and said she was going to recommend I come back no sooner then 2 weeks for another ultrasound. I was really disappointed and shaken up. As I was checking out I was telling Kim how scared I was and disappointed that I hadn't been able to talk to a Doctor about any of this. One of the nurses overheard me and said that's a good idea why don't we have one of the Doctors talk to you. (my Doctor was on vacation)

So they put me in a room and here is what the Doctor came in and said. "You are having an abnormal pregnancy. There is no reason at this point we shouldn't be able to see a baby in your Uterus. With your rising HCG levels this causes concern because you could have an ectopic pregnancy. If this is the case you could rupture and bleed to death at any minute and my first responsibility is to you and your son. So we are going to do an emergency procedure right away." I was shocked because 5 minutes earlier I was just going home and coming back in 2 weeks for a follow up ultrasound. Aggghhhh! The doctors plan was to do a D&C and if she got enough tissue back she would be confident it wasn't ectopic it was a normal miscarriage. If she didn't get back enough tissue she was going to do a laporscopic surgery, find the egg, and remove it that way. The anesthesiologists refused to do the surgery before my breakfast was digested. So I went back at 3:30 and the procedure was done at 5pm. They put me under with a breathing tube and catheter in case they needed to go in and do further surgery.

My bigggest concern was that she would do a D&C while I was still having a pregnancy that could survive and for some reason was just missed on the ultrasound. She assured me she would not do that and I decided she is the Dr. my only choice is to trust her so I did. The Dr. did get back enough tissue from the D&C and so I didn't have to have further surgery. When she talked to me afterwards I was too drugged up to remember but she told Kim and Mark that it appeared there was a placenta and egg sac but no actual baby. She said we would know more after the tissue went to the lab. I have to make a follow up appt. with her this week and if my HCG levels don't go down they will give me a medicine that helps my body absorb any remaining tissue. Crystal found this article about blighted ovums that seems consistent with what the Dr. was saying. I think that must be what happened but I will know more after my appt. this week.

After the procedure and all day Thursday, I was definitely in shock from the whole thing. Obviously, we are really disappointed. We were so excited to be having another baby and Malachy was really excited too. Being in the Hospital was really hard because I had to sign papers and have stuff explained to me that was really hard to hear. Also they played the baby song (when the babys go up to the nursery) 2 times and then I couldn't stop crying. And being in the O.R. reminded me of my C-section so it just really sucked.

Since I have been home there have been a lot of distractions I had to help get the kitchen finished and the house ready for Mark's moms visit. (Kim and Mark did all the really hard stuff) Mark's Mom was here Friday through today. Noah, Lauren, Jason, Dee, Joey, Ross, Mom, and Dad were here today for Easter as well. So I have been busy. I was in a lot of pain Friday and Saturday (more back and neck pain then tummy pain which is strange) but I'm feeling better today. The sadness comes in waves. Sometimes I forget I'm not still pregnant and then that sucks.

I think I am in the anger stage of mourning because I have found myself mad at almost everyone the past few days. I feel angry that at work the people who knew I was pregnant didn't tell me to slow down when I was doing too much, or I feel like they gave me the impression they were annoyed by my pregnancy or it was inconvenient to them, I feel angry that people have not been more sensitive or caring towards me the past few days, I feel angry that the doctors office was just going to send me home, I can get mad at poor Mark about anything. I'm just really angry. I know in my head that no one really did anything wrong that this is just one of those things that happens. (with that said I really don't need any lectures along those lines I do know that) I know I couldn't have prevented it and neither could other people. I know people don't know what to say so they appear insensitive when it is really they just don't know and everyone has there own problems they are dealing with. I know all that. I think the anger is just part of the healing process and I have to go through it.

I'm going to do my best to go through the process in a healthy way and not allow myself to slip back into depression which feels like it is creeping up on me and weighing me down. But I will fight it. Mark and I hope to try again as soon as the Doctor gives us the go ahead.

Wow...long story but for those of you who didn't know I had to start at the beginning. Thanks for your love and prayers! I seriously do have the best friends and family in the whole world and I really appreciate you all.