Today has been pretty bad. I have been telling the people in my life that I'm closest to for several weeks now that this week was going to be hard for me because I knew I was going to need to rely on them a little more then normal. I didn't think it was going to be this hard.
It's a bit of a tri-fecta. The first and largest thing is that my miscarriage last year was this week. So all the Good Friday/Easter stuff brings back the memories of that time. There was so much going on this year that I feel like I haven't really given myself the time or freedom to really mourn that loss. With my hormones, the current baby kicking in my tummy and the Easter season it is all hitting me pretty hard. I feel guilty that maybe I did something wrong in allowing the doctors to do a D&C that early. Guilty that I got pregnant again so soon. I don't want to pretend like that life didn't matter. And this new little life inside me wouldn't even exsist if that one had survived. It's all very confusing. I'm not even sure whatelse to say because I can't explain how I feel to myself let alone write it down. I just know I'm sad.
The second thing... I haven't really gotten into on my blog and I don't want to say too much about it. But as far as my whole job thing goes. I think it is clear that I was unhappy and I quit. Until now I have just been sad about it. Now I'm in the angry stage and I'm pretty much pissed.
The third part of the tri-fecta this week is Mark is working a ton. I appreciate him doing it and I think he is the best husband in the world to give up his time to support his family. He has a temporary part time job at another church. Overall it is a huge blessing in our life and Mark is enjoying the challange. It just sucks right now. He is going to work early and coming home late today through Sunday. He probably won't even come home Saturday night and he does not know when he will be home on Easter but it will be well into the afernoon. And while I understand the need for him to work and appreciate his desire to do so I'm still sad. I need him this week and I don't want to do Easter without him.
I'm feeling alone and doing my best to be attentive to Malachy and not wallow in self pity. I suppose that is what this blog is good for. I can put my saddness here and hopefully not show it or pass it on to little Malachy. Who is not sad but who is loving life as he should be!
Mom and Dad did bring me Wendy's tonight and that helped! Food and good company is always is the best way to cheer me up. =) Now I just have to get through the rest of the week until I get more time with my husband.