Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Pictures from the last week or so...

This is our family at Easter! It was great having Noah home and nice to see him and Lauren! Also we got to have Donna, Mark's Mom, with us. Malachy really loved having her and her dog, Shasta, stay here. And so did Mark and I of course! AND Ross joined us for Eater too! So it felt like the whole family was together! What a treat!
This has probably been the busiest week we have had in a long time! Busy in a fun way! Last weekend we went to the Zoo! It was beautiful out and Malachy loved it! The older he gets the more he enjoys these things and it is such a treat for Mark and I to get to see him react to it all. He loved the tiger, lions, and monkeys the best. Later this summer we will have to go back to Brookfield so he can see the Elephants and bears. =)

Thursday, one of our favorite friends Brett came over! Brett has been such a good friend to us. He helped us make our wedding invitations, has helped us move more then once I believe, and helped us do home improvements through the years. It was really good to be able to get together with him and share some frozen Staufers dinners!

Then on Friday night Mark bought a new Lawn Mower to mow the lawn. While Malachy and I got to hang out with Crystal and Madison! Malachy and Madison are so cute together. They have real conversations with each other and are adorable.
Sunday Kim, Crystal, Emily and I got to go to Sara's shower. That was great. It was so strange seeing her pregnant! Sara has been one of my best friends since High School and she just recently moved back here from Vegas. I have not gotten to hang out with her as much as I wanted but I'm hoping that will change soon! It was so good to see her!
Then Sunday we had a BBQ at our house. Our friends the Flieth's came over and gave Malachy their old swing set and brought all the food we could eat! They are so good to us and bless us so much! Sandy, Alan, and Kalvyn came too to help set up the swing set and hang out. Then we flew a kite. The guys were the most into it. I think it turned in to a man vs. nature thing or something!? Later we got in a game of Yahtzee!

Finaly...Monday Mark and I joined the Rec center! It is something we have wanted to do forever and so we just finally did it! The plan is to work out for an hour 3 times a week! I hope we do it. Then Crystal and the kids came over to play with Malachy!
Phew! It has been a busy couple of days but I feel great and I'm glad to be spending time with the people I really care about!

Friday, April 13, 2007


So...I'm taking a break from work to sit by the windows and see some "real" light and it feels like a sigh of relief! Having this whole week almost over feels like a bigger sigh of relief. I didn't want to come to work but I didn't want to use up my days either so I came. Wednesday was the hardest. I didn't want to talk about the miscarriage but at the same time if people didn't ask about it I resented that more and felt like they didn't care. So it was a lose lose situation. I'm glad to have it over with! I also got a ton done. The normal every week stuff for my program was quick and easy and I was able to get e-mails cleaned up, archiving cleaned up, and work on organizing my computer. So that feels great! I love these laid back weeks! I hope this summer will be full of them! =)

I went to the doctor yesterday and she said that they didn't send my "tissue" to pathology because they consider one miscarriage normal. She said that there was a baby but the baby had already died a while ago. She said that she was glad we did the D&C because there was an abnormal amount of blood and it was only a matter of time until I started bleeding. And she said it was so much blood it really would have freaked me out so it was better this way. Now I have to wait 2 months and then we can try again. The waiting is so hard! I still get depressed but I think I'm doing pretty well. It's hard to explain to people but I think anyone who has been pregnant understands (and Kimmy too because she is just really sensitive and compassionate) when you have a baby inside you everything feels different. You feel so special and so in love with the life inside you it's an amazing feeling. It's hard to lose that and to know that that little life didn't make it. But life goes on and I know God is in control and that God is good so I have to trust that.

I hope this 2 months goes by super fast! I had a blood test yesterday and I have another one next week just to make sure my pregnancy hormones go back down to zero. I hope that happens fast because I don't think I will get my period until they do and the sooner I get my period the sooner I can try again! Not to mention I hate blood test. I have had 6 blood tests and 4 pelvics in the last month. I'm so done with all that! Until I get pregnant again that is.

Anyways, I'm going out or staying in with Kim, Mom, and Crystal tonight! (and maybe Corey too! ) So I'm looking forward to that. It is suppose to be nicer on Monday and Tuesday so I hope we can do something fun with Malachy too! Will see...Well anyways that's all for now. Thanks for all your love and support.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Sooo, here's the deal....

Ok, so I have some bad news. I know most of you who read my blog being Mom, Dad, Kim, and Crystal know but I still needed to tell Val, Sara, KC, and Jami so I will just post it on my blog rather then call you all and tell you... which would probably be the better thing to do...but I'm lazy and sometimes writing is therapeutic.

As you all know Mark and I are trying to get pregnant. Last month I went and got an all clear from the OB saying I was healthy and ready to start trying. She did a pelvic, a pap, some blood work, updated my shots, and even gave me an internal ultrasound with a sonohysterogram to make sure I was healthy and ready to conceive. Which I was.

So Mark and I got to work... on March 8 I conceived. I took 2 pregnancy tests about 2 weeks later that both came back positive. I made an appt. with my OB and she did another pelvic and a urine test and confirmed that I was pregnant. However, the next day I got a call that I had to go back for more blood work because my HCG level (which is the hormone you produce when you are pregnant) was extremely low. It was at like 121 when it was suppose to be in the thousands at this point in the pregnancy. I think I was around 4 weeks when this all started. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with pregnancy timelines...your pregnancy starts from the first day of your last menstrual cycle not your date of conception.) So for the next week and a half I went back to the Doctors office every 2 or 3 days for another blood test. I had 5 total. The worst part about this was I apparently have the smallest veins in the world and it would take 2 nurses and 3 stabs with digging every time before they successfully would draw blood...and I'm not exaggerating! However, my HCG level was continuing to rise and all was looking well so I was happy.

The Doctor then scheduled an ultrasound for Thursday April 5th. At that point I was one day shy of 6 weeks and my HCG level was 2900 so there should be no problem seeing the baby. I was excited that I was finally going to see the baby and know for sure all was well so I could stop worrying! That wasn't what happened.

The ultrasound tech could night find a baby or a egg/yolk sac. She told me that this can be normal at 6 weeks and said she was going to recommend I come back no sooner then 2 weeks for another ultrasound. I was really disappointed and shaken up. As I was checking out I was telling Kim how scared I was and disappointed that I hadn't been able to talk to a Doctor about any of this. One of the nurses overheard me and said that's a good idea why don't we have one of the Doctors talk to you. (my Doctor was on vacation)

So they put me in a room and here is what the Doctor came in and said. "You are having an abnormal pregnancy. There is no reason at this point we shouldn't be able to see a baby in your Uterus. With your rising HCG levels this causes concern because you could have an ectopic pregnancy. If this is the case you could rupture and bleed to death at any minute and my first responsibility is to you and your son. So we are going to do an emergency procedure right away." I was shocked because 5 minutes earlier I was just going home and coming back in 2 weeks for a follow up ultrasound. Aggghhhh! The doctors plan was to do a D&C and if she got enough tissue back she would be confident it wasn't ectopic it was a normal miscarriage. If she didn't get back enough tissue she was going to do a laporscopic surgery, find the egg, and remove it that way. The anesthesiologists refused to do the surgery before my breakfast was digested. So I went back at 3:30 and the procedure was done at 5pm. They put me under with a breathing tube and catheter in case they needed to go in and do further surgery.

My bigggest concern was that she would do a D&C while I was still having a pregnancy that could survive and for some reason was just missed on the ultrasound. She assured me she would not do that and I decided she is the Dr. my only choice is to trust her so I did. The Dr. did get back enough tissue from the D&C and so I didn't have to have further surgery. When she talked to me afterwards I was too drugged up to remember but she told Kim and Mark that it appeared there was a placenta and egg sac but no actual baby. She said we would know more after the tissue went to the lab. I have to make a follow up appt. with her this week and if my HCG levels don't go down they will give me a medicine that helps my body absorb any remaining tissue. Crystal found this article about blighted ovums that seems consistent with what the Dr. was saying. I think that must be what happened but I will know more after my appt. this week.

After the procedure and all day Thursday, I was definitely in shock from the whole thing. Obviously, we are really disappointed. We were so excited to be having another baby and Malachy was really excited too. Being in the Hospital was really hard because I had to sign papers and have stuff explained to me that was really hard to hear. Also they played the baby song (when the babys go up to the nursery) 2 times and then I couldn't stop crying. And being in the O.R. reminded me of my C-section so it just really sucked.

Since I have been home there have been a lot of distractions I had to help get the kitchen finished and the house ready for Mark's moms visit. (Kim and Mark did all the really hard stuff) Mark's Mom was here Friday through today. Noah, Lauren, Jason, Dee, Joey, Ross, Mom, and Dad were here today for Easter as well. So I have been busy. I was in a lot of pain Friday and Saturday (more back and neck pain then tummy pain which is strange) but I'm feeling better today. The sadness comes in waves. Sometimes I forget I'm not still pregnant and then that sucks.

I think I am in the anger stage of mourning because I have found myself mad at almost everyone the past few days. I feel angry that at work the people who knew I was pregnant didn't tell me to slow down when I was doing too much, or I feel like they gave me the impression they were annoyed by my pregnancy or it was inconvenient to them, I feel angry that people have not been more sensitive or caring towards me the past few days, I feel angry that the doctors office was just going to send me home, I can get mad at poor Mark about anything. I'm just really angry. I know in my head that no one really did anything wrong that this is just one of those things that happens. (with that said I really don't need any lectures along those lines I do know that) I know I couldn't have prevented it and neither could other people. I know people don't know what to say so they appear insensitive when it is really they just don't know and everyone has there own problems they are dealing with. I know all that. I think the anger is just part of the healing process and I have to go through it.

I'm going to do my best to go through the process in a healthy way and not allow myself to slip back into depression which feels like it is creeping up on me and weighing me down. But I will fight it. Mark and I hope to try again as soon as the Doctor gives us the go ahead.

Wow...long story but for those of you who didn't know I had to start at the beginning. Thanks for your love and prayers! I seriously do have the best friends and family in the whole world and I really appreciate you all.

Saturday, April 07, 2007