I'm currently at work and I just got off the phone with Malachy and had to go outside to cry! I'm a whole mess of emotions right now. I feel sad, fustrated, angry, selfish, guilty, and ungrateful all at once. I feel extremely sad that I can't be with my child right now.
I feel angry at all the people who say that working mothers choose to do so to support extravagant lifestyle choices. Do you know what I have to give up and how much it hurts! Mark and I do NOT live extravagantly. We share 1 car. We have 4 people living in what is technicaly a 1 bedroom home. We go on dates once every other month! I do NOT choose to work so that Mark and I can eat out at restraunts once a week and buy $80 jeans! That is NOT what's happening in my life and YES I do get offended by this topic I take it very personal. I have been hurt by things people have said that are extremely hypocritical and I'm still angry.
I'm sad I can not spend my day at home with my son. I'm sad that people treat me like I couldn't handle being home with him all even if I wanted too. I'm a good Mom! The reality of the situation is when I'm home now my mind is haunting me with the things I have yet to do at work. I'm distracted by the laundry, dishes, cleaning, bill paying that has yet to be done. It's not like I can just come home and devote myself to Malachy there are a hundred other things I have to do while I try and spend time with him. That is why it's so challanging for me. Not because I'm afraid to be with him or I can't handle it. It's overwhelming all the things I have to make sure get done. I'm tired of people judging my parenting and I'm tired of believing them!
I feel guilty that I have these feelings when I know I should just be thankful for the amazing job I have! I love my job, it dosen't even feel like work to me. I have fun doing it everyday and get to work with people I really care about doing something I enjoy. I'm so blessed.
I think this is just going to be an ongoing struggle in my life. Today is just harder then most and I needed to vent. I miss Malachy!