Friday, June 10, 2005

growing up?

In an article Kim used to have posted there was a quote by Bono I found very interesting. He was talking about how their newest album was a lot like their first album. He said with every album they are trying to communicate something. The first album was about innocence and this latest album was about looking back at innocence.
That idea really struck me because in a big way I feel that's where my life is too. I remember discovering Christ and community and how fresh and new it all was. It was simply about the goodness of the grace of God and the joy of being able to share that with others in community. Then it slowly changed into being about me. About how I had to figure out all the mysteries of Christ so I could be closer to Him and look smart to everyone else. It was about being important in the eyes of others at church. Then it wasn't about God at all. Right after high-school my life became only about me and how people related to me was the sole measure of their value in my life. Because the world revolved around me, I had high emotional intimacy with the people close to me in those years, I thought that was the point of life.
Then it all fell apart because none of those people, despite the closeness and the emotion, could make me feel whole. I became bitter and disillusioned. I resented the church for it's politics and blamed them for anything I could.
Then I got married, had a baby, and put nearly 10 years of experience under my belt only to discover all of the things I thought were so important back then were trivial. The innocence I had in the beginning was where I should have stayed. So how do you get back there? How do you ignore and reconcile all the things you have seen in the church? How do you die to self with the bitter-sweet taste of a self-centered life stuck in your mouth? How do you forgive and forget? That is the question. The lure is always there, but more and more I find it's best to focus on God's grace and don't sweat the small stuff. Which is just about everything else.
That's why I love this new album. It gives me hope. Hope that I can return to innocence.

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